I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
