So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
40s are totally the cure
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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