Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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