You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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