things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
