It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
