i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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