I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
