apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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