i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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