I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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