i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
