My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
