Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
