So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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