i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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