i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
