I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
