My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
