I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
ttyl tear gas
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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