GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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