I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
