She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
