Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
