I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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