It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
