dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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