for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
