just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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