Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize