I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
