my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
