Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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