Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
