I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
