i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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