So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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