you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
