The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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