my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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