I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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