I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
