I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
