There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
