Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize