fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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