I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I know her cup size but not her name....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
