masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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