Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
