I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize