i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
