I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
