So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
