I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
