There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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