i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
