i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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