a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
